What follows is true. It really happened, and forever I will remember the events written about here. This post isn’t looking for pity or concern. Everything that happened, happened for a reason back then. I can now say everything is great and getting better daily. What happened to me could happen to any man, women or child at any age at any time. Mine was due to a series of life events that I didn’t think I could change.
Wow was I wrong?
My life has been anything but normal. I was an Embassy brat. I grew up around the world for the first 14 years of my life and loved it except for a few bad events. One of those was being kidnapped at the age of 9 by some characters from another country trying to get at my Dad. Long story for another blog post.
Before I get going one more thing. A little about my health background. I am a polio survivor. In fact, I survived so well I played hockey and was awarded a scholarship to college. I even had the opportunity to sign with a pro team until I shattered my bad leg. Figures. I have had 2 major heart attacks with bypass surgery for one and a double stent for the other. Not bad considering.
The same year of the second heart attack I was diagnosed with diabetes and had to have a full hip replacement on the good leg. That same year at the age of 54 we lost our business due to an accident with Patti and severe damage to her wrist. She was a dog groomer who cut 4 tendons and the main nerve in her left hand which is her main working hand. Then, of course, we left the business to the workers and the kids, who really weren’t old enough yet, and we lost it.
We also lost our home, our rental because the renter decided to stop paying and a car or two along the way. This should give you enough background for what is about to come.
Follow More post on my blog authentic maple syrup.
The Awesome Stuff
It was just after our November online marathon for Diabetic KID’Z. It was 2011 and as always we were running our weekend event. We had a bunch of issues that weekend and throughout the event that we had never encountered. Too many to discuss here. Anyway suffice it to say everything went bad, and I threw my hands up when the weekend was over and basically said this is nuts. At that point, I pretty much walked away from doing anything for diabetes.
To understand how walking away affected me you need to know since my diagnosis in 2008 I spent every day on the computer and our 4 websites trying to raise awareness for diabetic around the world, especially kids. Everything I talked about daily was diabetes. For the family it was sickening for me it was uplifting.
See just prior to this my life had changed. After the 2 heart attacks, we found out I lost 49% of the heart. Not good. The Doctors had basically told me to do nothing and be careful. Along with that then the diabetes diagnosis came and then a two months later my hip issue which wouldn’t be fixed till May. That’s an insurance story, but that had to do with my depression. So all of this was happening to a 54-year-old man who had been active all of his life. For the past 3 years, I had been working 14 to 16 hour days with Patti at the animal grooming shop and daycare and things were going well.
So one morning everything is over, and I’m left wondering what’s the point of all of this. Darkness set it pretty good. No light, not even a tunnel to hope for. I tried to read, no luck. I tried going out and walking around the neighborhood but that didn’t work since I only could go a few feet without losing my breath. Back to bed and the darkness.
Then the light went off in my brain to use the computer and try to get information about my diabetes. Along with that, I found so many people out there looking for information and help. So I thought why not start a website to help others and in the same breath help myself. that’s what I thought it would do. instead, it drove me into deeper depression because everyone else was depressed, and it was weighing on me since they started to use me to cry on. I am a person who has broad shoulders, and I don’t mean physically. I’ve been through the mud and came back up standing but this was too much at once.
Am I Depressed
Depression was actually a fun thing at one point. I knew I could hang out in my depression, and everyone including the kids would stay away and just wait for me to be happy. Happy wasn’t even in my vocabulary at that point, and the kids were going nuts. They had all relied on me for some time to get them out of their depression, and now I wasn’t there to help Patti. Caused quite an issue around the house.
Anyway to say depression was my lifestyle is the only way to describe what was going on. I almost enjoyed it if you can believe that. Looking back I always wonder if anyone else felt or feels that way about depression. It was like the tropical island everyone else is looking for.
Depression was never something I understood. I was half Sicilian and half Irish and depression doesn’t bother us. I played hockey, went through some really bad events in my life but always stood the test and never became depressed. My Dad was killed, my Mother died and still, I made it through by dealing with it myself. Strong like bull!!! Or so I thought.
I really didn’t care about much. I kept working on the site but was losing interest. I did take care of myself by washing up every day so I knew I had something going on in my brain besides depression but I couldn’t figure it out. I just needed to sort things out so I thought and it would all be okay. The thing was nothing was sorting itself out.
As time went by the Doctor ordered Lexapro and it worked for a bit. It kept me a little better at the depression thing but it wasn’t working on my outbursts. So they upped the does and that worked but that took its toll on my sex drive. Sorry guys but it’s the truth. Sex drive 0 Lexapro 100. I was losing that war and my interest level in sex went from 100 to -100. What a trip. Well, that added again to depression. See how this all works out and equals itself> You need to figure depression is equal to all the shit that can go wrong in your life at one time or another. Then add all of those times to one day when they hit you like a boulder. Take that hit and multiply that by 1000, then add another 1,000,000 hits and boom there you are, depression.
Anyway, I started to chip away at everything I could daily. A little bit every day. As they say in AA, one day at a time. Instead of one day, I went with one item a day at a time. Sometimes it was one thing 2 or 3 days at a time because it took me that long to dump that one thing. It worked though. Or so I thought.
I Hear a Boom
A year ago this month the tons and tons of things caught up to me. I don’t know how or why but they did. I found myself in the parking lot of the local market with our 12 gauge shotgun, shells and me in a van. I sat there and thought over and over how easy this would be and how much better it would be for the family. No more dealing with my issues or outbursts for them. No more yelling at Patti for usually no reason and no more depression. That sounded great.
I had been trained to do what I wanted to do in a former life. That again is another story. Suffice it to say I was trained by the best and it wasn’t in the military. It was through other Government resources.
So I thought of my situation and how this would better all of them, except for me. While sitting there the phone rang over and over, it was Patti and I figured if she is calling this much she knew I was up to something. I always answer on the first couple of rings unless I am in a funk or walking away to get out of the funk. So I ignored the phone.
I loaded the gun and thought again and then the phone rang again. I know this sounds like a story but this is minute by minute and no story. The phone just kept ringing and in a rage, I answered it to shut it up. Dumb move in a way for what I wanted to accomplish, but the good move in the end. I started yelling and going off on Patti or no obvious reason and she guessed with her first word, “you’re going to kill yourself aren’t you?” I sat there stunned that she guessed. She knows me that well. It hit me like a ton of bricks but in a good way. No one but my parents ever knew me this well. What was I doing? I kept avoiding her questions and little did I know she was using find my iPhone to locate me. Smart girl that Patti.
All of a sudden she was beside me and running to the door and fighting with me to get the gun. What scared me was hurting her since the safety was off and she kept fighting for the gun and finally, I let go.
Finally this past summer I told the Doctor about this event and something else that was troubling me and I was worried. She sent me to a therapist who, to be honest at first I wasn’t sure about plus I didn’t want to go but my Doctor the good friend that she is using the correct way of dealing with me. She said either I go or she was going to call the cops. I went right to the therapist.
The Tunnel and Light
So I started going to this women therapist. Sorry if that sounds cruel but at first I wasn’t really wanting to speak to a therapist, never mind a woman. I tried it though and tried to work with it. To my surprise, I really enjoyed speaking with this therapist and all started to work well. I was opening up about stuff I never thought bothered me. I opened up about my kidnapping which I never thought was still bothering me as well as my parent’s death and the death of my former wife and child in a car accident which I believe I had dealt with. WHOA!!!!
Well, Patti noticed a light step to my walk after the first meeting and a smile on my face. The second time I went the walk was faster the smile broader and my life was okay. The next time I found the tunnel. The next time I saw a light. It’s far away but I saw a light. My walk was faster and my smile was a real smile and my outbursts? What outbursts. they subsided.
Since those few visits, I have kept going. For a while when I started this blog I couldn’t write. I have ADHD which was acting up more than ever. We believe the depression had something to do with it. My ADHD now is at a level I can live with as before without meds. My depression is leaving my body daily a little bit at a time but as it leaves the light gets brighter. The kids love me more than before and we are laughing again and dealing with their stuff, husbands, boyfriends and, girlfriends. Things are looking up.
So am i depressed? I’ll write again soon. This went too long.